This is very taboo topic to a lot of people. Myself included. Ever since I can remember, weight has been an issue. I’m not only talking about me, I am talking about people around me too. I was raised in Brazil and everyone there is obsessed with weight and how much people weigh.

To tell you the truth it’s kind of discusting how the first thing people care about is if someone is skinny or fat.  I always had a bigger frame than my other friends…..I was NEVER considered skinny. I heard many, many jokes about my weight and my how big my back side was (still is). They would come from friends, family and people that I didn’t even know.

Needless to say, my weight problem has permanelty affected my self-esteem and scarred me to life. I’m not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me….it wouldn’t change a thing.

So, for those who need to comment on my weight here’s the scoop. Yes, I have gained weight since the last time you saw me. No, I have not been able to “find a way” to loose any yet.
Why have I changed so much? Well, I don’t know……let’s see, maybe it’s because I stopped taking medication to loose weight, or it’s because we started trying to get pregnant and with all the hormones and injections that I’ve taken, my weight gain is just unpredictable. Maybe the medical condition that I have (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) doesn’t really let me loose any weight as easily as others. It could also be because I’m not the biggest fan of the gym and I don’t even have a membership anymore.

There are so many reasons……who knows. Don’t think that I’m not aware of how much  weight I have gained or how fat I am, I’m fully aware. You don’t need to let me know, I know about it already.
Am I happy with myself? Absolutely not. I don’t think I’ve ever been happy with the way I look, so it goes a little deeper than my current weight.

I’ve been very lucky to have found someone that loves me for who I am on the inside and the outside. It’s actually hard to have someone that doesn’t think that I’m horrible and ugly, we actually argue about it at times. I can’t even accept a complement from him. I actually think that he’s lying just to make me happy. Yes, I know…….I have a problem.

Trust me, it’s not that I don’t care how I look right now. Believe me I do. I care so much that I’m afraid of seeing my old friends, fearing what they might think or say about the way I look. It’s very tiresome to live like that. You’re constantly thinking about it, you don’t go out with people to certain places because you’re afraid of being looked at funny….going to the beach or the lake? absolutely NOT!!! Who would want to see me in a bathing suit?

Sweetie, if you’re reading this post, I know you must be getting upset with all that I’m writing, but you know that this is how I feel and I know that you have when I put myself down…..I just need to vent about this.

Anyway, you get the idea, right? Recently I heard someone saying that a couple of years ago I looked so different and my body was so much smaller. I then heard this same statement again with some add ons, like I just don’t care what I look like anymore and blah blah blah……..

Well, thanks for bringing this up at the perfect moment, less then a month after we lost our baby, less then a month since I’ve been pregnant, at the worst low I’ve ever been at. Thanks for the pick me up. Very tasteless.

In conclusion, yes, I have a weight problem, no, I’m not going on a diet right now……..why? still doing treatment to get pregnant. Sorry if me being fat bothers other people, this is how I am, this is how I’m going to be.
And please don’t feel the need to let me know how fat I am, I’m aware of it, I don’t need to hear it from anyone else. Besides my weight, I’m otherwise very healthy, thanks for asking.

I realize now how short and unexpected life can be, there’s not enough time to be contemplating of what I could look like just to please people. Sorry if this post bothers people…